The First Last Boy Read online

  The First Last Boy

  Sonya Weiss

  Copyright © 2015 by Sonya Weiss

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  All rights are reserved. No part of this book may reproduced by any means without the author’s written permission.

  Cover design by Alison Bliss

  Stock Photo by Dollar Photo Club

  Chapter One

  TANA

  Three nights ago I’d asked my best friend, Ryan Collins, to have sex with me. The request blew up in my face and I didn’t even have being drunk to use as an excuse for asking him. I closed my laptop and rolled over onto my back, staring at the brown ringed water spot on the bedroom ceiling. Eighteen years old and still a virgin. There were half a dozen boys I could hook up with before heading off to my freshman year at Bayside College in Illinois, but I wanted my first time to be with someone I trusted, someone who made my heart beat faster just by being near him.

  Grabbing my phone, I texted him. Hey, wanna hang?

  Montana, no.

  Usually Ryan called me Tana, the shortened version of my name. The one he’s used since the day we met. He only used Montana when he was pissed off. Like he’d been ever since I’d asked him, like I’d suggested he let me rip out his nipple piercing or something. He’d recoiled and shut me out the second I’d mentioned sex.

  Whatever, I texted back, trying to convince myself I just wanted company and not specifically his. I had to get a grip and stop lying to myself, stop ignoring how Ryan affected me.

  It was Friday night and since my friends went to a concert I couldn’t afford, I didn’t have anything to do. Ignoring the incoming text, I rolled off the bed to see if Mom made it home yet. If she hadn’t, it was up to me to fix something for supper so Creature, my eight-year-old brother, Mark, wouldn’t starve. We called him that because ever since he’d seen the Harry Potter movies, he’d wanted to be called Creature after Kreacher in the movies. He’d walked around for weeks after seeing them muttering insults like the house elf.

  Mom wasn’t home. I didn’t mind cooking or helping out when I wasn’t working my shift as a waitress at the Blue Seagull. Mom had busted her ass for us since the divorce. My father bailed three years ago when Creature was five and I was fifteen. No big loss. We were better off without his drama. He showed up hit and miss and only stayed long enough to stir up reality show type shit.

  “Hey, Creature! You want some pizza?” I yelled down the hallway when none of the options at hand in the ancient, rattling refrigerator looked appealing.

  He flung open his bedroom door and poked his head out, blinking, readjusting to the real world from his virtual one. “Real pizza, not the kind you make?” he asked with a mixture of suspicion and hope.

  So I’m not known for my culinary skills. “Yeah, real pizza.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the change I had left. “Let me get my purse and I’ll see for sure if I have enough.”

  He followed me back to my room and did a dive landing onto my bed, narrowly missing my laptop while he made explosive noises. “Where’s Ryan? He always comes over on Friday.”

  “I dunno, and careful with my laptop.” I picked up my purse and dug through my wallet for the leftover tip money. “There’s enough.”

  “Yay!” He leaned over the bed and plopped the computer onto the crappy carpet I thought was left over from the seventies. He bounced up to his knees, then his feet and started jumping on the bed. “Hurry up and order it before Mom comes home and does this.” He pulled his eyebrows into a frown. “You need vegetables, young man.”

  I laughed at the imitation and picked up my phone, ignoring a second text message. I knew Ryan wanted to explain the reasons why sex with me was such a god-awful bad idea but I was too humiliated to deal with it. I dialed the number of the pizza place at the strip mall a few miles away and ordered a pepperoni with extra cheese.

  “Mom’s gonna complain.”

  “Sit,” I said after I hung up. With my hands on his shoulders, I scowled into his face. “About Mom...don’t tell her. Problem solved.”

  “She might not notice anyway. She’s always working,” he said. He swung his bare feet back and forth. “Who’s gonna take care of me when you leave for college?”

  My heart twisted at the worry reminder. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I’d wondered the same thing. “There’s no...c’mon...what is it?”

  “Bridge to cross yet.” He jumped off the bed. “Wanna play one of my games? I’ll let you win.”

  I followed him into his room that smelled like wet socks, half-eaten Cheetos, and sweaty little boy. I wrinkled my nose. “How can you stand this? It’s almost toxic in here. You should clean.”

  “You’re not Mom.” He slumped his shoulders and dragged his voice out in another weary imitation of hers. “Look at this room, son. How can you find anything? It looks like the city dump. One day, you’ll get lost in here and I’ll have to call search and rescue.”

  “She’s right.” I laughed and grabbed him around the neck to scrub the top of his head. His hair was thick and chestnut brown just like mine and he also had the same brown eyes. He looked so much like me that when we were out together, people sometimes asked if he was my kid. I loved him like he was. Thanks to some stuff the absentee father put him through, Mark had what his doctor called arrested emotional development. It made him act younger than he was.

  He pulled away, rolled his eyes, and handed me a controller. “C’mon.”

  We’d only played for fifteen minutes when the doorbell rang. That was fast. I hoped the pizza wasn’t doughy this time. “Coming,” I yelled and tossed aside the controller.

  “You can’t do that! Your man will die.” Mark made a frantic grab for the controller and saved me from virtual destruction.

  I hurried into the living room and yanked open the door. Under the soft illumination of the porch light, Ryan stared back at me in all his holy hell hotness. My stomach clenched, then dropped to my feet. I experienced the suspended-in-space sensation every time I saw him.

  His eyes were a mix of blue and green that made my friends talk about how beautiful they were. They reminded me of the colors found in a turbulent storm. He had a hand on each side of the doorframe and leaned slightly forward. With his dark hair, handsome face, and tattooed body, he was every girl’s bad boy fantasy. When he wore the white tank undershirts he favored, like he was doing now, it showed off his well-defined muscles and made it difficult to think about anything but how good he looked.

  “What?” I managed to snap out like his being there didn’t affect me at all. I was getting good at hiding the way my body had started reacting around him.

  He motioned to the storm door. “Let me in.”

  I shrugged and didn’t move to undo the latch. “What for?”

  His lips tightened and the storm in his eyes grew more pronounced. “Come on, Montana. Don’t be like that.”

  Behind him, a car with a pizza sign on the roof pulled up. Ryan jogged off the porch, paid for the pizza, and when the delivery guy left, said, “Let me in or I’ll hold your pizza hostage.”

  I would have told him so what, but then Creature ran up behind me yelling Ryan’s name in an excited tone. He thought of Ryan like a brother and sometimes I think Mark loved spending time with Ryan more than he did with me.

  Mark barreled past me and shoved open the door. “Gimme.” He took the box and dashed into the kitchen leaving me alone with Ryan and the most awkward question in the world hanging between us.

  “Since you paid for it, you want some pizza?” I asked, hoping he�
�d say no, hoping he’d say yes.

  “Yeah, sure.” He opened the door and stepped too close to me.

  I spun around and led the way into the small kitchen and pushed Mark back from the box where he hovered over it, shoving a slice of pizza into his mouth. “That’s nasty. Use a plate.”

  “Why?” he asked around a mouthful. “Mom’s not here.”

  “Because you’re dropping stuff from your mouth into the box.” I set three plates on the table, sliding one in front of Ryan harder than I intended. He caught it before it sailed off the edge and gave me his what-the-hell look.

  I turned to grab three cups, forcing myself to take a deep, calming breath. “You can have water or milk,” I offered since that was all we had. Tomorrow was Saturday. I would use some of Mom’s paycheck and some of my own after I picked it up and get groceries while she ran errands and paid bills. Then we’d start the same cycle of hoping that nothing broke down and nobody got sick or injured so we could make it another week.

  Mom worked full time at the hospital as a receptionist during the day and then nights at the retirement home usually six days a week. She’d dropped out of college to help support my dad’s new investment business when they first married. She’d never returned to school and regretted it. It was one of the reasons she always pushed education on me.

  Ryan reached around me, his tanned arm brushing mine, causing that fluttering sensation in my stomach to increase and slid a cup beneath the faucet. “Mark is thirsty.” He filled the cup and gave me another what-the-hell look from his gorgeous eyes.

  “Sorry, I was lost in thought.” I filled the other two cups and joined them at the table. Thankfully, Creature kept up a steady volley of stories and I didn’t have to contribute much. I sensed Ryan’s gaze on me from time to time but kept my attention focused on the pizza. Every bite I forced down tasted like cardboard and I’d never wished more in all my life that I could rewind time and take back the question I’d asked him.

  *

  RYAN

  I don’t know what the hell Montana was thinking to ask someone like me to have sex with her for the sake of having sex. There were girls you fucked and walked away from and then there were girls you stuck around for because they embedded themselves into your heart so deeply that you forgot where your own heartbeat ended and hers began.

  Montana had a hold on me that no other girl had ever come close to having and that scared the shit out of me. Guys that let girls get their hands around their hearts ended up falling for them and that was never gonna be me. Love kneed a guy in the balls and kept him stupid enough to keep crawling back for more. I wasn’t in love with her but I didn’t know how to define the place she occupied in my life. Every time I was near Tana, I wanted to hold her and tell her she’d be safe forever. I wanted to fight all her demons and slay all her dragons.

  Three years ago, I’d found her curled on the ground crying hysterically in front of a graffiti-filled wall at the park. Because her hands were red and her nails bloodied, I thought maybe she’d tried to fight off some guy who’d wanted to rape her. I was pissed and ready to beat ass on her behalf because I’m not down with an asshole that would abuse a girl. But that wasn’t her story at all.

  We’d been in each other’s lives since that day. I didn’t know any girls like her—ones that came from money but now didn’t have it. The ones I knew were like me, products of a weary foster care system that didn’t give a shit. Add judges who saw paperwork and not faces, blend in foster parents who only saw dollar signs instead of kids and you had all the ingredients needed to raise fucked-up hard asses guaranteed to do serious time. Kids who turned into guys like me who’d learned not to give a shit, too. That’s why I never made any promises to Tana. I’d only disappoint her if I did. I didn’t know the first thing about how to give of myself. Even if I ever reached the place where I wanted to, I didn’t know how to really love someone. No girl deserved that.

  Mark let out a loud burp and then laughed. The laughter reverberated around the tiny kitchen, bouncing off the yellow walls. Tana and her mom struggled like everyone else in their low-income neighborhood, but their place managed to look like a home and not some transient slop house.

  Tana smiled at her brother but when her dark eyes met mine across the table, her smile faded and her cheeks flushed. Her gaze darted back to her plate. I wish I knew what was going on behind that look.

  “You wanna play a game with me?” Mark asked, dropping a pepperoni out of his mouth. He picked it up and popped it back in.

  “Ryan has stuff to do,” Tana said before I could accept. She sounded like me sticking around was the worst idea in the world.

  I bumped my fist against Mark’s. “No, I don’t. I can play a game with you if Tana plays too.”

  “Can’t. Busy,” she said, sending a dark look my way. The look was tinged with desperation and I didn’t understand why.

  Mark shoved aside his plate and slurped his water.

  “You make a space for me and I’ll be there in a second,” I said.

  As soon as her brother vacated the room, Tana started clearing the table, banging the plates together louder than she usually did.

  I understood now that she was pissed off. I just didn’t understand why. If this was about sex, how could she not see that I was looking out for her? “Tana, c’mon.”

  “So now I’m Tana again?”

  I approached her from behind. “I don’t want to fight with you.” I hated it when we were at odds. She’d become my oasis when the demons of my past were too much to bear. Funny, sweet and gentle, she had a way of calming the hell that chased me and drove me to do the things I did.

  She stopped raking out the scraps of pizza crust Mark would never eat and turned to face me, her expression a mixture of anger and hurt. “There’s no fight. You’ll have sex with a skank and a random skank at that, but not me.”

  “Shit. Here we go again.” She had no idea what was at stake. Sex with someone you cared about always changed everything. When she picked up a cloth to wipe off the table, I grabbed her arm and stopped her. “I only fuck girls I don’t care about. They know the score and they’re only looking for a good time. They don’t expect anything after sex and I sure as hell don’t give them anything. There are less complications that way.”

  “You know that makes you sound like an asshole.”

  “I meant it to. I don’t care about those girls but you and I are friends.” I ran my hand from her arm up to her shoulder and gazed into her eyes, hoping she understood what I couldn’t even explain to myself.

  She shook her head and tucked one side of her hair behind her ear. “That you and I are friends was my whole point. I figured if it was with someone I care about, you know...it’d be better. I don’t want my first time to be with someone who treats girls the way you treat your...uncomplicated ones. I don’t want to go to college a virgin.” She let out a long sigh when I didn’t answer, then bit her lip. “I guess I can try Brett.”

  “Brett?” The mention of him made my temper flare. Hidden behind the smooth face, flashy car, and grin, was a guy who had a habit of not taking no for an answer. “You talk about assholes. That guy is a major one.”

  She shrugged. “He seems nice and he has asked me out.”

  “He’s not, and when did he ask you out?”

  “Couple of weeks ago right after graduation.”

  “You didn’t tell me.” Now that I knew, I’d spell it out to Brett in blood and broken bones that Tana was off limits.

  “Yeah, Ryan, I didn’t. It’s not like you’re my diary or anything.” She crossed her arms against her chest and leaned her back against the sink, putting some space between us. “Just go play a game with Mark and leave me alone.”

  What the fuck had just happened? I was trying to protect her and now I was the bad guy? “Tana—”

  “Go!”

  I hated when she acted like that. Girl drama drove me bat shit crazy. Shrugging, I turned around and left the kitchen t
o go into Mark’s room. He looked up at me when I entered.

  His eyes were wide and sad in his small face. “Are you and Tana fighting?”

  “We’re disagreeing.” I shoved aside a pile of toys and took a seat beside him on the floor at the foot of his bed. I leaned my back against the blankets and picked up a remote.

  “Dad and Mom fought, then he left.” Mark maneuvered his player through a jungle and sent me a side-eye glance.

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Promise?”

  “You know it, buddy.”

  “Ever?”

  “Ever.”

  Mark looked relieved, then said, “I don’t like Brett.”

  I paused to look over at him. “What?”

  “He came over when Mom wasn’t here and talked to Tana. He gives me a mean look when he sees me and he scares me.”

  I was gonna beat Brett’s ass twice as hard. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t come back.”

  “Cool.” Mark stuck his tongue out of his mouth and bit down as he concentrated on the game.

  Keys jangled and the front door opened.

  “Uh oh.” Mark threw the controller aside and jumped up. “I’m grounded. I’m not supposed to be playing.”

  We exited the room and Mrs. Shaw smiled when she saw me in the narrow hallway. She was a shorter, slightly heavier version of Tana with eyes that crinkled in the corners whenever she smiled. “Ryan. I didn’t know you were stopping by.” She liked me okay, but that was because she didn’t know about my past. If she did, I doubted she would want me around either of her kids. Turning her head, she saw the pizza box on the kitchen counter and frowned.

  “I bought a pizza. Hope that’s okay,” I said, flashing her a wide smile.

  “Yes, of course.”

  Tana joined us and her mom said, “I’m going to take a shower. Mark, did you already shower?”

  He rolled his eyes but didn’t let her see him. “Yep.”

  “Then you need to brush your teeth and get in the bed.”